cullenilingus.com

me: Biking to Sleepy Hollow on Sunday
Alodie: um, is that a metaphor?

thatoneguy410: i love that you have a day job... it makes masturbating soooo much easier

(to me)
"Maybe you just have a bacon aura surrounding you?" -Susan

(reminiscing about our primary school's yearly festival/"carnival" of crap)
me: remember the awesome prizes?
Alodie: the haunted house scared the hell out of me though and i only went in once and i only got about 6 feet in
me: fucking awesome
Alodie: YES! I won like 300 pairs of awesome 80's earrrings—there is no way to describe their radness. And the cake walk, which ended in f*ing CAKE
(a bit later)
me: wow, cake walks are gay. I can't remember, does everyone win cake, or only some people?
Alodie: i think that only some people, but if you are really intense you will conquer the others
me: wow, that is still undeniably gay ass gay
Alodie: i'm getting gay just thinking about it

"Well, how do you know she's bi?" -Edwina
"Well, she told us some very interesting stories that suggest a.... a very active involvement in lady-sleeping." -me

(Rocking out to "Take Your Time (Do It Right)" by the SOS Band)
"Wow, this song never ends, does it?" -Wendy
"Exactly. Haven't we been 'doing it to her right' for a good ten minutes now?!" -me

"Wait, so one-armed lesbians can't play mini golf? But you can kayak? Or are you being 'funny?'" -Pat

"Let me clean up, get naked, and we'll eat puddin'! PUDDIN' TIME!!!" -Auston

"You can bet she misses your fine ass gears every day. And always will." -bestial

(in response to my spasm of laughter)
“Have you guys done ANY work today???!! All you guys have done is looked for boyfriends and giggled.” -Jessica

(after I come to her, upset w/girl antics)
Alodie: ALODOKU DOES FIRE-TYPE ATTACK! x2 DAMAGE!!!

"Wow, you're all muddy! What have you been doing?" -Jody
"I MAY have been smoothing mud onto first base with my feet...." -me
"You may have been?" -Jody
"Maybe." -me

(ruining our romantic mood)
Hey, can you guys stop making out long enough to get off my flip flop? -Juan

"I love you no matter whose box you put your crayons in." -bestial

eatsdirt: i'm going all the way to jersey to get naked with people and i have to bring my own lunch? f that!

(after a detailed discussion of what goes into Scrapple)
"That crap is served with EVERY breakfast in the Poconos." -Jessica
"I had actually never seen Scrapple until we were camping in Maryland and I saw a bunch of big hicks with thick accents purchasing the largest loaves they could get their hands on." -me
"Oh, Scrapple's everywhere down there. It's the state flower, I believe." -Andrew

(in an e-mail from Paul)
Yes, when pondering the subject of women, I am often reminded of the wise words of Snoop Dogg, who noted that, "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Indeed.

"When I don't get my weekly sleepover with you I get jumpy and shit feels weird." -bestial

"I just want to go home and have some meatballs. Is that so wrong?" -Edwina

Aphr0dite0: well, off to go have some freaky sex

"Holy shit, your penis has a poltergeist!" -me

Wendy: so did you and/or your drunken cohorts bring any add-ins for the virgin margaritas this afternoon??? LOL

(after a thoroughly overdramatic whine about having no "weemen")
"Well, there's the one who created a new niche, there's the one that's brown like the tan you almost have, and then there's the one that's round and mean like the SUN and the MOON." -bestial

(ZOEY!!!!)
"I think a cat is licking my toes. Either that or a brillo pad." -Jenna

"Saaaaarah? You know how I'm REALLY bad with names?" -Auston
"Yeah." -me
"You know how the guy that sucked me off.... his name is Robert?" -Auston
"Yeah?" -me
"His name is Richard." -Auston

scwebd: you're a guy
dportsymphonyguy: Oh
dportsymphonyguy: I could be a girl
dportsymphonyguy: you may never know
dportsymphonyguy: Seattle is full of bad juju

(with fervor, to Edwina)
"I'm NOT going to have ANY of my friends NOT go bowling because they're getting a friggin' booty call. It's just not fair!" -me

(to Madison, in all of her early-morning yowling glory)
"Shut your hole, fuzzy." -Jenna

"OH MY GOD! If I had a black girlfriend, you'd be freaked out, but you have a Puerto Rican boyfriend, and it's no big deal!!" -bestial

lasfresas: dont keep working when i look at you
lasfresas: like you didn't just scream cooterkins

"Sandwiches won't take no brown train. Sandwiches don't have TIME for the brown train." -Edwina

(in her rant about most of the states....)
Alodie: oklahoma... they are shaped like a pot. they either need to cook me something or get the hell out.

"Do you hear that, Annie? It is the sound of you being a douche. It is the soundtrack to our lives." -me

(looking at baby pics)
"Whose baby is that?" -Edwina
"Umm.... I dunno." -me
"Yes, you do know!" -Edwina
"Is it the gay guy's baby? Is it your baby?" -Jessica
"NO!! I told you, I'm not pregnant!" -me
"I bet you have a whole slew of kids.... and you just call them (makes air quotes) 'cats.'" -Jessica
"AHHH!!!!" -me
"Whose baby? So maybe it is that gay guy's baby. Is it?" -Edwina
"No.... it's not his baby. His baby is still.... umm.... (searching for the word) brewing." -me
(a beat)
"No, that's not exactly the right word, huh? hmm...." -me
(Edwina cackles)

(standing at Broadway and 204th St)
"Stand here and look over there [down Broadway.] Am I retarded, or is that a mountain?" -Kate
(Auston and I look and can muster no response; a long beat)
"I guess that must have been some strong beer." -Kate

"I feel like it's only a public service to let firemen make love to you." -bestial

scwebd: (I'm actually working on my resignation letter as we speak...)
starchitect78: beautiful
starchitect78: dear sirs: fuck off. yours sincerely, sarah

(after the going away drunken lunch for Wendy and me, as we stand down the block on W 3rd, trying to get Rafe to follow us....)
"Rafe!!!" -Wendy
(he looks up)
"RAAAAAFFFFFFE!!!!!!" -me
(he looks up again)
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEE!!!!" -me
(laughing, as the rest of the West Village stares us down, bewildered:)
(to the onlookers) "She's screaming 'Rafe.' With an 'F.' Really." -Burns

(of her Christmas gift, an iPod....)
"You may as well throw your money in the river if you won't teach me how to use this thing." -Mom
"We'll keep that in mind for next year." -Pat

"You know, Edwina.... You have 5 shots of Jack to tear through right there. And remember—the last time I had, what? 2 or 3 shots of Jack Daniel's?! And I went home with a frigging burlesque dancer. So BEWARE." -me
"NOW you tell me!" -Edwina

scwebd: Dude... that photo could serve as a fantastic promo photo for a "look how happy and well-adjusted our retards are!!" home.
eatsdirt: if i ever open a home for the mentally challenged, i'm calling it that
eatsdirt: you bet your sweet ass i'm adding those two exclamation points too

"Do lesbians have fabulous parties? No. I thought they just sat home and moved into each others apartments..." -bestial

me: I'm biking to Sleepy Hollow on Sunday
Alodie: um, is that a metaphor?

"I almost stole a sweater from The Gap tonight, but it was hand wash only, so I didn't." -anonymous

(to the waitress) "Boo, did the samurai tell you to do it?" -Auston

"That's okay. I saw him talking and pointing over here, and I thought, uh oh--that samurai means trouble." -Auston

scwebd: That is Asian me kicking your ass
lasfresas: oo, this is white me looking o so scared
lasfresas: tremble
lasfresas: tremble
scwebd: Bitch.

"Jess, c'mon, level with me: when's the last time you stayed up all night when you WEREN'T fucking a Mexican?" -me
"It's been awhile." -Jess

ebboy17: i am a horrible person
ebboy17: i just described the difference between and lesbian and a dyke
ebboy17: and i said that dykes look like john goodman and are angry all the time.
ebboy17: but lesbians can look sorta like a boy
ebboy17: but they aren't as angry and such.

"Next year, Auston, when you're still here, we're going to go camping at Assateague Island in Maryland!" -me
(getting excited...)
"Where's Maryland??!!!?!!!!!" -Auston
(he later admits his question, borne of excitement, was intended originally as two questions, "Where is the island?" and "How far away is Maryland?")
(...riiiiight)

"What I'm saying is--is it POSSIBLE that your vagina is on fire because you're having a fucking BREAKFAST BAR inside of it?!?!!!" -bestial

kford31: you tried windows vista yet?
kford31: i'm running the beta...it's very similar to being stabbed in the balls
kford31: for like two straight hours

anonymous: and he has the fattest dick i've ever seen in my life
anonymous: it feels like i'm being raped by a bus

"While you go out and get pregnant tonight, I'm going to go home and read the autographed memoirs of Our Lord, Joe Eszterhas." -me

me: maybe it will be innocuous, and there will be no F&F
Alodie: hahahaha -maybe you will sprout wings and start glowing in the dark
Alodie: maybe jesus will come on your date too, and turn all your water into wine. or maybe you will F&F

"Your uterus has bread on it." -Auston (to Al)

(Auston tiredly prepares for bed after a long, inebriated night of ribald celebrations. He calls my name out in panic, and I find him naked in the living room, cowering at the scary, haunting sounds of Silent Hill 2 on the PS2)
"Sarah! What IS that?!! I'm too scared to do anything but hold myself inappropriately right now!" -Auston

"Don't touch her! She has vaginal tears!" -bestial

lasfresas: but i do agree that i deserve better than an american who works like a mexican
lasfresas: cause at least mexicans have time for me!

(as she colors in a super-activity book....)
"I'm trying to find my dream date." -bestial
(a beat)
"Karl Rove is spelled with a 'k,' right?" -bestial

"Is there Snack Wrap-flavored lube?" -Richard

"Christmas is for family, not for.... child molesters." -Mom

"I am going to drink the g-spot." -bestial
"I've done that before. It's pretty good." -me

"You guys are all on the vagina train over there." -Jess
"And we don't want to get off!" -Edwina

"What're you doing?" -Gretchen
"Looking at pictures of pretty girls. I'm on the vagina train too, now." -Jess
"TOOT, TOOT!" -me

"but yeah, if i die, you can trace the murderer through my gmail account. which only you are allowed to break open in such a case." -anonymous

(the phone call)
Darren: Hi Sarah.
Me: Hi Darren, this is God. Will I be seeing you at Slane today for lunch and booze?
Darren: Yes.
Me: Thank god. I mean, thank myself.
(laughter)

(of one of the pieces at MoMA)
"Hey, Sarah.... is it just me, or is that baby holding a handful of Mike and Ikes?" -Auston

"Your gmail inbox needs to be waxed." -bestial

(after she changed a co-worker's voicemail message)
eatsdirt: i had to change his message
eatsdirt: so now it sounds like he has some slutty secretary

Alodie: that is the least sexy way a lesbian adventure has ever been described

dportsymphonyguy: I love you James Klindt!!!!
scwebd: I LOVE HIM sooooo much
dportsymphonyguy: I never would have thought murdering your wife would make dating harder
dportsymphonyguy: I would think it would make it easier (ie no wife)

"Web Production is such a freakshow. Sarah's got one arm, Laura's got an eye patch, and Edwina's black. Throw a fucking circus tent over them!" -Burns

me: if you present me with a bread bowl... I will present you with either a web page or phone sex (occupational exchange, baby)

Alodie: all day i've been wearing a scarf that i know deep down in my heart might actually be a tablecloth.